if we wanna be happy now and in the near future, let’s stop dreaming about getting married and starting our little happily ever after. First of all, it’s never going to be easy or perfect. Second of all, you’re just going to disappoint yourself trying too hard.
I don’t know but it’s either I try to be better by soothing myself with my own thinking or I lie to myself everyday.
The things I got used to do and feel with that person, I long for every moment of every day. It’s an epitome of misery and delusion. It was never easy for me since we were destroyed. By that, I mean when he chose to put distrust and insecurities in our relationship. The act of deceit he did was too much for the innocence I had in me to absorb what was meant to destroy the whole of me. For a writer like me who have always seen love as the ultimate crown that puts a person on the highest of peaks when he owns or feels it, the destruction of my trust has never been in a greater war with the strong love I long tried to fight for.
I gave up the guards in the walls of my heart that secured I would never be hurt by trusting a person wholly. I gave up my innocence that told me I would regret it and to which I never listened. I looked solely to the one great love that I thought I’d never have again if I let it slip for once.
I have always been serious with treating admirers like they are true to me. And this one I never thought I would despise for the rest of my existence, I gave up everything for. I am sorry for myself. But I am never sorry for being true. I am never sorry for being the best lover I could ever be. I am never sorry for showing my whole heart to the only one whom I thought my love was appreciated. I am sorry for myself that the only one I gave permission to see all of me was the single one that used that same permission to hurt me to the tips of my veins.
My regret can never be measured by mere thinking of it, let alone writing any piece of essay or a short story about it. But I use that regret to never return to being the weakling who lets people use her kindness for their benefit. Yes, he has hurt me. But the fact that he hurt me was the strongest lesson I learned my entire life: To never betray the person who gave you genuine trust, and to never avenge for the trust fragmented by the person you gave it to.
The pain, I am still getting used to even if it has been months after the tragedy of my love’s battle. Thinking that the battle I all prepared and gave up everything for was nothing but mere deception to bring me down to the pit of darkness I never knew possible, is the worst of all the torments I have been through.
I still want to talk to him, yes. Every day, I think about the things I want to tell him; the menacing conversations I dream of having with him; the painful words I mean to hurt him; the rude things I want to do to him; all in the name of justifying the feeling of anguish and remorse within me. But I end up feeling another round of misery thinking how much I want these and how much they are beaten up with the reasons why I shouldn’t do them. Hence, I come out gloomy and discontented. Then I start to overthink, watching people in distrust, thinking of what he may be doing at the time, thinking of the people he may be again fooling around with or cheating on and cheating for, and all the things that can actually cause my brain a hemorrhage but it wouldn’t because it can never be.
I’ve lost so much time. I’ve missed out so many things all because of my miserable, unchanging status. Yes, I do laugh. Yes, I interact with people with the real me. Yes, I mean every smile. But the grief in me always wins when I go and meet my dreams at night and my distrust upon meeting people that show they care.
This was the sunset of my love. The end of the trusting, unsuspecting love I have known. It is sad. But I need to be healed and I know just to whom I should come and prostrate to. I know.